The Coaching Industry said "Shrink to Succeed". So I Left.

This personal entry seems harder to write. But, I'm reminding myself it's only appearing harder because it's vulnerable, honest and true. True to my heart and soul, a daring expression of what I've experienced, and the courage to speak about it.

The inspiration, or perhaps loving reminder to do this (let's call it as it is: a loving kick in the pants!) came from an unsuspecting place: Untamed. A book by Glennon Doyle. A book written for women by a phenomenal woman. How did it come to be in my possession? Well, that's an interesting story itself.

A bunch of my girlfriends had been raving about it, so two years ago, I bought it for Mum. (I still don't know if she's read it). One day, I saw it sitting on the book shelf at Mum and Dad's place, and my curiosity got the better of me.

Contained within it's pages are stories of a woman's reclamation of personal freedom; a stand against shrinking to fit, and a re-emergence after divorce, addiction and life's greatest challenges. For me, this book is both the warm hug that I needed, and the shake up that I've been unknowingly desiring. It's made me laugh out loud, cry with beautiful relief, and, on a number of occasions, put the book down to fully take in the unfiltered truth that pokes holes in the way many of us have unconsciously been taught to live.

This book is a welcoming nod to true expression, and a reminder that we are individuals, and that no person has the roadmap to our own lives, except for ourselves. For me, this is a welcome change from the leaders, coaches and personal development gurus who have broken through their greatest struggles, offering their "five steps to achieve x result!".

This is not a shame piece towards any of these people, or from the industry. Far from it. I too, was part of the coaching world for many years. I've been the coach, and had some phenomenal coaches, and my life has shifted in ways I couldn't imagine thanks to the support and guidance of these people. Yet, in January 2024, (after spending many years deeply involved in this work) I stepped away from coaching business because it seemed no matter what I did, my coaching business just wasn't taking off in the way I had hoped.

In the lead up to this, I had spent years on a cycle between great months with amazing clients- everything running smoothly- and then months with nothing. At times, I was struggling to pay rent, buy food, or even fill my car up with petrol. It wasn't sustainable long-term, and it was negatively impacting my headspace. Despite my best efforts and following sage advices by other coaches, I ended up in a pit of confusion, doubting myself, my ability and searching for another way forward.

Things not working out for me has always been a blessing in disguise. At the time I walked away, I couldn't see it, but I trusted that there was another pathway that was yet to be discovered. So, I closed down my coaching business, deleted my social media accounts, found some other work and spent time focusing in on me.

The six years I had dedicated to clearing out trauma, energy work, personal development and spiritual practises certainly paid off. I had in my arsenal, a variety of tools, approaches and methodologies to play with. Additionally, these years had help me establish a very firm footing in the connection with my soul, a knowing of who I am beyond all labels, titles and polarities. This wasn't a mental knowing, it was a feeling. Deeply embodied, pure and true.

All I had to do was quieten the outside noise just a little so I could tap into the wisdom of my soul, and it's guidance towards what is in full alignment for me- establishing my next chapter in life. Now, for some, stepping away from coaching and deleting my social media accounts might seem extreme, but I had a choice.

It was either choose me, or, be unconsciously receptive to the advice and guidance of others, including companies with big marketing budgets, all wanting to grab my attention and sell me their product or service, promising an alluring end result. Considering I'd already played this game for six years, and spent around $80,000 on my own development...

This time, I chose me. Fully.

Now, I don't watch news programs, nor do I tune into any celebrity goss or drama, so when I stepped away, things got quiet real quick. Initially, it was a sweet relief, and created space to play in life again, but it wasn't long until this quietness and empty space became a threat to my own mental activity. What do I do now?

As enticing as it was to spend loads of time at the beach, sit in a park, read books, have endless social catch ups and dive into spiritual practises and the like, loads of empty space and time, with nothing to do, was confronting. I do like spending time by myself involved with these things, but without any major focus outside of casual work, I was uncomfortable. My outlet: almost every single season of Ru Paul's Drag Race (US, Down Under & UK), and All Stars, of course. And prior to last year, I had watched a grand total of one episode.

RPDR was a welcome addition to my life: a mixed bag of stupidity, creative expression, laughter, fashion, drama and shaaaade. Oh the shade of it all! But more than that, it was an epicentre of real human struggles, members of the LGBTIQA+ community sharing their hearts and stories alike, and a beautiful show of transformation in more ways than one. Furthermore, for the first time in my life, I found myself being in awe of a celebrity: Ru Paul herself.

This was deeper than just a celebrity oooh-ahhh kind of moment. This was real. Raw. Authentic. For the first time ever, I found myself actually admiring a celebrity, because I could relate to many of his struggles. More than that, I admired his open-heart, his courageous truth, and willingness to serve others. Yes, he did that through the art of drag, but it is so much more than that. Ru Paul gave permission to each and every single one of these queens permission to be themselves. Leading with grace, kindness, understanding, compassion...

It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had a heart-centred role model that I could actual relate to.

The countless hours spent watching RPDR also helped me become me even more. I re-established a connection with DJing, so I was spending more time playing electronic music and navigating that journey. And yet deep down, I also had this desire to help others navigate through challenges that I myself had moved through, so I found myself back in the world of coaching, and of course, social media.

Within months, I hired another coach, Preston Smiles. Now, Preston is someone I've worked with previously, and I sincerely love and trust this man. His message and impact in this world is absolutely phenomenal, and everything he was speaking about at this time was really hitting home. So, I said yes and dove into a coaching container with him.

It was everything I needed at the time.

And yet, it was fundamentally the same thing I'd already experienced at a deeper level.

Here I was, once again, following the advice of someone else, instead of truly trusting and listening to my own. I was, in essence, saying that Preston had the power and the answers that I was seeking. The truth of the matter, that this experience lovingly reminded me of, is that he was there to help me reconnect with myself, for even his pathway for life, love, relationships and money, as alluring and powerful as it seems, was still his.

And me, I had to find... I had to create my own.

Do I see the benefit in having a coach? Absolutely. I truly believe that each of us throughout our life, will benefit greatly from having someone there to help point out our blind spots and lead us towards achieving what we so desire, offering some step by step actions along the way. However, and this is a big however... I have come to realize that this whole age of information, personal development, self help, and to a large extent, many spiritual and manifestation practises, are nothing but other people's tried and tested ways, that have helped them create success and/or results.

These approaches are beautiful, and deserve to be celebrated. Each of us can learn from one another, so if we feel drawn to create change in our own life, we may at times, seek advice and support from someone else. Yes to that.

And...

Following somebody else's advice and strategies will often have you denying your own guidance, which only shows a lack of trust in your own self.

And in my case, that's exactly what I had done. I had praised and celebrated and thanked and glorified many amazing humans over the years, all of which who played a major part in helping me become the man I am today. Yet, I had been reading books, listening to podcasts, going to workshops, attending courses, working through programs without actually stopping and asking myself...

What the fuck do I actually want to do? More importantly, How do I want to do it?

The alarming truth, as most of us will see it, is that our own advice will often go against the sage advice of others.

And this coaching thing? Not my jam. Whilst coaching is a part of what I do, it's not my deepest desire. It's not the major thing that's making me jump out of bed in the morning. Nor do I have a desire to teach people my "simple five step process that's going to help them achieve x in y time". Why?

Because the end result, the thing that each of us think we want... Is not actually what we want. We want the deliciousness of the journey. We want the excitement and the aliveness and the joy that comes with it. We've actually just pinned the end result as the thing we have to achieve in order to experience that.

I have discovered that the end result doesn't actually matter much if I have to sacrifice any part of myself to get it. If I have to shrink to fit? To choose a niche and focus on one thing? No thanks.

Me contemplating suicide many years ago helped me now value life at a level that most people will never understand. A true blessing. And this coaching journey? That was me trying the best way I knew how, following other people's guidance for my own life based on their experience and what worked for them.

And it's helpful, but it will never ever be a complete natural fit for me. It's much like moving into someone else's home overnight and trying to find comfort. No matter how beautiful and perfect and well stocked that home may appear to be, it won't ever have the personal touch we all desire.

In my experience, everything I tried didn't have my it factor. It was close! It all helped - massively.

But this? This not working out for me moment was guiding me to creating my own pathway, a pathway that is uniquely my own. Furthermore, the general notion of coaching encourages people to pick a niche and focus on that. I get it. It makes total sense. And yet, the work I do?

It's not coaching, per se. Not with the boxes and guidelines and rule books that everyone wants me to follow. Yes, I encourage people to learn new information, even leverage other people's ideas and approaches and methodologies, that's important work. But, it's an incomplete approach until the questions are asked...

What do you want?

How do you want to do it?

Whether this leads to success or failure is irrelevant, for in this moment of a person choosing a pathway for their own self, they step into their power. They get to discover who they are in the journey, not because they followed someone else's pathway to get there. That's the real magic of life.

Because the real change makers in the world? The best artists? The iconic leaders who brought about social change and disrupted industries?

These people didn't get there by following someone else's rules.

They didn't listen to other people's advice, even if it was deemed to be safe and secure and wise.

They decided to listen to themselves.

They decided to trust themselves.

And me? This is me, trusting myself. Backing my own damn self, and saying no to the coaching industry that wants to lead me to thinking that I should 'niche down' and fit myself into a decorated little box and follow the way it's always been done.

Fuck that. I spent enough time shrinking myself to fit so I could be liked, loved and accepted. I'm not about to do it again.

I believe... Scratch that... I inherently know that no-one else has the answers for this part of my journey except for me.

And my work in this world? Part of it is to help people find their own pathway to discovering those answers.

I provide options, a multitude of options, pathways, approaches, systems... But I don't, (and won't!) ever tell people that it has to be done one way because that's what worked for me.

I am not so foolish to think that my way is the best way.

It is not. It is the best way for me.

But not for you. Not for the world.

The way that is best for you in your life is the one that you dream up.

I simply help people tap into those dreams and desires, and encourage them to follow their heart, doing what they want to do, in a way that they want to do it. Is this coaching? Kind of, but I feel this is more powerful than that.

This feels like a new level of leadership where the coach is replaced by the leader. This kind of leader has no desire to teach a step by step framework, because they realize that the framework that worked for them are, at best, placeholders. For each human being is as individual as a snowflake or fingerprint, and thus they get to be treated as such.

That's why I walked away from coaching, again.

Try as I might, I have no desire to fit inside yet another box and follow the rules just so I can have a 'successful business', whilst simultaneously suffocating the voice of my soul, and limiting myself to work in the a confined space of one particular focus.

I desire to lead a community, a community of people who are on their own journey into discovering who they truly are and what their purpose is in this world, then encouraging people to tune into, and courageously trust their own guidance, their own intuition, and do life as they want to do it. So they can enjoy the whole fucking journey, not just the end result.

I predict that this will be the new way forward in years to come.

Self-development gurus and leaders will continue to spruik mostly the same kind of information shaped in a different way, over and over again, until people, like me, realize that the only way in life is to follow one's heart and soul.

And that... That is the greatest gift I could ever give someone.

So now? It's time to create. And create in my own way.