What I Really Needed Wasn’t On My To-Do List

Flat. Uninspired. Fucking over it.

This wasn't one big moment- just a collaboration of smaller moments that joined forces after years of just pushing through. Smiling and saying "I'm fine!" whilst ignoring how I was feeling and what my mind was trying to tell me.

I was doing all the right things and I'd even hired incredible world-class coaches to support me. I had the tools, the morning routine, the exercise program, the journalling prompts...

I had the emotional release rituals. I spoke openly and honestly about my challenges. I was reading the self-help books and was meditating daily. Zero coffee. Daily Cacao. Micro-dosing mushrooms. Eating well. And, I'd even signed off from booze completely.

But no matter what I did, I just felt off.

And despite the amount of time, effort and money I was investing to feel better, my life still felt forced.

I couldn't sit still. I had to be moving. Doing something. Anything. Whilst I've never been officially diagnosed, I hit almost every single marker for ADHD.

I did this for years before I noticed the stark truth.

I was deeply uncomfortable with being by myself. Alone. Without any distractions or work projects or social events. The truth was... I didn't like who I'd become.

I had so much knowledge but felt empty inside.

And the more books I read and coaches I hired, the worse I felt. There was always more to do, and my to-do list was already about to burst.

I felt broken. Lost. Questioning the reason for my existence. I had massive potential. Had done huge amounts of healing. But still feeling like shit.

I decided to leave it all behind.

No more personal development, no more coaching, no more searching for trauma to heal. No more morning routine. No more 'must-do' tasks. No more daily rituals. I just let it all go, created space and decided to do exactly what I wanted to do.

🌊 I spent more time walking on the beach and diving into the ocean.
🌴 I spent more time in nature, just sitting, being, observing, stretching.
✍️ I spent more time writing for no other reason than writing itself.
🎧 I spent more time DJing, playing music that made me come alive. Dancing. Being. Feeling.

And within a matter of days I came alive again.

I began to see that I had been looking outside of myself for answers. I believed that someone out there had the recipe book for happiness and I was yet to find out the secrets. I was looking to gurus for the way to slow down my mind and find peace. I believed that I needed to know more, do more.

But I didn't need to do more of what other people suggested I should do.

I just needed to do more of what I truly wanted - and in a way that felt right for me.

Essentially, I had to burn the rule book. Unfollow coaches. Unsubscribe from updates. Exit coaching programs. Stop listening to other people's advice and start following my own. Trusting my own. Trusting myself.

With that came a lesson in surrender. And a willingness to follow my joy even if the results weren't coming as fast as I would like. To prioritize my own joy and create from that space.

And the most amazing thing happened.

Almost all of the tasks that I was making myself do? I wanted to do them. They no longer felt forced and I was no longer a slave to obligation. I created my own rule book.

The best bit? My to-do list became a to-joy list. Everything that made it onto that list was because I wanted to do it. My mind was at peace. I felt calm. Aligned. Feeling like my life was my own again.

There is no doubt that all the work with coaches, all the healing, and all the books I had read made a huge difference.

But, I had to let go of all that for a while to realize that I have all the answers within me. I always had. My pathway forward became super clear when I was willing to let go of other people's ideas and agendas, simply because it had worked for them.

I got to see that every single one of us has our own rule book to write.

And to access it, all we've gotta do is just gotta quieten the outside noise, get still and start to prioritize the tasks that actually feel good while we're doing them.